


You have to break the heart before it becomes something beautiful.

by JemiCrisis



Series: Everything the light touches is (mostly) ChenJi [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Accidental Death, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Feels, Arguing, Blood, But it's probably not the one you wanted., Chenle says 1 (one) swear word in this, Crushes, Cutting, Death, Depending on where you live lmao, Doubt, Drinking, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual kissing, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, IM CRAZY, Jisung is like 20 in this I think, Jisung just has... A lot going on in his brain..., Kisses, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Not in the cutting fruit way, Pining, Post-Break Up, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, So is chenle, Suicide, There are a lot of those, This is like... What I hope all of my works will be like in terms of writing style so please like it, Trust Issues, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, accidental murder?, at least I don’t think he intended to do that..., but i update this so much that it doesn’t feel slow at all, jisung is oblivious, just look at the date I first posted this and the date I updated it and then the amount of chapters, this definitely ain’t healthy, toxic mindset, toxic relationship?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-31 12:44:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 6,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20115310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemiCrisis/pseuds/JemiCrisis
Summary: Jisung tried to help Chenle through a break up, but he broke along the way.But in the end he was still beautiful to Chenle, because everyone had their different standards for beauty.





	1. Be there for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another ChenJi fic! Literally all the ideas I come up with only work with ChenJi I can’t see any of the other members doing this?

“How can you be so happy?” Jisung inquires, he’s on the couch with Chenle in their shared apartment, the boy’s head resting on his chest as they just lie there staring into space, the midnight sky looking over them.

“Why shouldn’t I be?” Jisung can feel Chenle raise his head to look at him, he lifts his head and looks back down, meeting his eyes.

“You just broke up with your girlfriend! Shouldn’t you be sad about that?” He lays his head back on the armrest. “You two were dating for quite a while...”

“Two years...” Chenle snuggles into his chest more. Jisung is fine with this. Completely fine. They’re best friends they do this often.

It’s not like Jisung has had a crush on Chenle since they met in high school and during the past six years it has grown and developed into a type of monster in his heart. Said monster would keep him up at night, looming over him as if he’s some sort of prey, taunting him. Telling him that Chenle doesn’t like him, that he’s wasting his time. He knows he just can’t shake it off, but the timing of everything seemed nothing but a coincidence. The fact that just after high school Chenle got a girlfriend, and asked Jisung to be his flat mate. It’s as if he wants him close but at a distance at the same time and it drives him mad.

He strokes Chenle’s hair comfortingly. “It’s okay if you’re sad on the inside Lele, you can cry it out right now if you want to.” He feels hot tears soaking his shirt then. He’s right. Chenle does love her. “I know you must’ve loved her so much and that it’s hard to let her go.” He continues to stroke Chenle’s hair, who then pushes his face harder into Jisung’s chest, muffling the wails. It’s too unintelligible for Jisung to make out, but it’s fine, he’ll just stay here and comfort him until he’s okay again.

Until both of them are okay again.


	2. Comfort him, care for him.

Jisung is in the kitchenette as he whips up some eggs for Chenle. The boy is lying on the couch, with a blanket delicately placed on him from the night before. Fast asleep. He had a rough night last night, torn from the break up, shredded from the crying, and destroyed by the world.

But Jisung soothed him through all of it, to the best he could.

Jisung understands, it's hard to live without something that you've grown accustomed to for so long. He doesn't even want to think about what it would be like, what he would be like, without Chenle.

He just can't imagine it. He doesn't want to. Doesn't want to live without Chenle. Doesn't want to see Chenle living without him.

Because he knows he'll be just fine without him, and he'll be the one that's broken. 


	3. Be in love with him, but never let him know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know that this is the third time I’ve updated this fic today and yes I know there’s 14 chapters and that I should pace myself. This fic isn’t even going to be that popular. Am I still going to update it whenever I want? Fuck yeah I will.

When Chenle finally woke up from his slumber Jisung ushered him to the counter, carefully feeding him the eggs that he had made him for breakfast. He’s enamoured with how Chenle’s cheeks fill up as he chews the food. He caresses them lightly as he is unable to control the desire to just take care of Chenle for the rest of his life.

But he knows it can’t be that way.

The sleepiness in Chenle’s eyes tells him that Chenle will barely remember this moment but that’s alright. He doesn’t want him to. He’ll only show his real desires when Chenle is like this. Never when Chenle is conscious enough to remember. If he is Jisung won’t do it, too afraid to be questioned. Too afraid to be outed.

He’s in love with Chenle, he knows that much. Anything from his dolphin laugh to the way he calls him Sungie is all too much for his young heart to bear.

He loves the Chenle he sees right now, sleepy with the blanket wrapped around him as if he was a burrito. The red eyes and tear-stained cheeks remind him of last night.

He gets a tissue and wets it slightly, gently wiping the boy’s face with care. Chenle stops chewing his eggs, he’s brightened up and no longer in a haze because of the wetness on his skin.

Jisung doesn’t stop however, even if what he’s doing violates the rule that he shouldn’t do loving actions when Chenle is fully awake. The number one rule in his code is to take care of Chenle. Even if his stomach is twisting. Chenle doesn’t say anything and soon continues eating his eggs.

But Jisung knows he’s gone too far, he’s too far in love with Chenle, and he needs to stop being so reckless. In the end, it’ll hurt both of them, or just him. He hopes it’s just him.

Because God forbid if he is ever the reason that Chenle gets hurt.


	4. Suffer with him? No. Suffer for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm... the chapter number might change because I have another idea for a chapter but I don’t know if I’ll include it... meh.

“Can I sleep with you?” Jisung almost spits out his hot chocolate at the question.

“W-w-what?” Jisung places a hand on the counter of their kitchenette as Chenle keeps flicking through channels, looking for something to watch. He probably didn’t catch Jisung stuttering.

“Can we share the same bed tonight?” Chenle turns his head to look at him, who is distracting himself from immediate answer by sipping his chocolate. Once he’s done downing his drink he nods, licking his lips out of habit, before setting the cup down in the sink and rinsing it out before cleaning it and putting it away. When he looks back he’s confused at Chenle’s expression.

“What?”

“Did you just... chug hot chocolate? Burning hot chocolate?” Jisung feels a pang of realisation before nodding again.

“Oh, I uh... yeah?” How his entire mouth isn’t burning, he doesn’t know.

There’s a deafening silence before Chenle moves on. “So... can we stay together tonight? I just” He pauses. “feel a bit lonely Sungie...”

“Yeah yeah! Of course we can!” Jisung walks to the couch and settles beside Chenle, with just a bit of space between them. “So, have you figured out what to watch?”

~

They’re laying beside each other and Chenle is fast asleep. There’s still a tiny bit of distance between them but Jisung would’ve wanted that anyway. His mind would go insane if he had to have physical contact with the boy during the night.

That’s when his want to love Chenle peaks, he just wants to snuggle up to Chenle and hug his body next to his but that wouldn’t be something that best friends do.

He feels Chenle shift in his sleep. Chenle shifts closer to him and he feels Chenle’s arms and legs wrap around his body. His body is frozen, but his mind is having a melt down. He has to perpetually stay in this position so he doesn’t wake Chenle up. He’ll probably not be able to sleep tonight.

Because he’s afraid of what Chenle might think if he sees them together like this.


	5. Have your own heart break for his to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I update this way too fast but do I care? No. *manic laughter*

Jisung wakes up in a cold sweat, he breathes heavily, another nightmare. He regains his breath after a minute and realises that he’s further entangled in Chenle’s limbs. He gently tries to pry the limbs off of him and it takes a while for him to do so, every time Chenle moves his breath hitches and he stays still until he’s sure he can move again.

After he’s free he lays there, propping himself up a bit with his elbow and just admires the boy. Sleeping peacefully. Something he hasn’t gotten for what felt like years. He raises his other hand, and strokes the back of it on Chenle’s cheek lovingly. He pushes the boy’s bangs out his face, admiring his beauty.

He knows that he fell for him because he has more than just his looks, he has a glimmering personality. But he can’t help but be mesmerised. He’s fully immersed in him. So much so that he doesn’t catch himself before he leans in and slowly pecks his lips.

He realises when he lingers, hovering over Chenle and he feels the boy move below him. He quickly retreats and gets up off the bed too hastily, making his way out of the room and into the kitchenette where he goes to get himself a glass of water.

He feels a pair of arms snake around his torso and he turns his head back slightly to see Chenle smushing his face into his back. What an adorable sight.

“Sungieee... the bed feels cold without you...” Chenle mumbles groggily into his back, rubbing his face on it. Cute. So damn cute.

But all Jisung can think about while Chenle tightens his hold on him is that his best friend is a blessing and a curse to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter contains blood, just the mention of blood and injuries not too graphic. Still, if you’re squeamish you are advised to skip it.


	6. Hate yourself. Hate the version of you that carelessly fell in love with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of blood. If you don’t like that don’t read.

The shattering of the mirror resounds throughout the apartment. Jisung’s emotions are becoming more difficult to control by the day. He hates this. Despises it. Loathes it to his very core. He wants to stop whatever stunt his heart has been pulling all these years. He wants to stop loving that boy. He desperately needs to if he doesn’t want to see the day where he inevitably breaks apart.

Chenle is rushing to his room, extremely concerned. “Sungie? What hap-“ he hears the boy gasp as he absorbs the scene: Jisung is sitting down cross-legged on the floor. His right fist is covered in blood and his legs have multiple scrapes from the mirror shards that are scattered around him. His full length mirror is destroyed. The remnants having left their damage. If only it would damage his heart enough to realise the doom it is in.

Chenle nips out the room before waltzing back, with a first aid kit, a brush and a dustpan in his hands. He uses the brush and dustpan first, carefully brushing up the wreckage of the mirror around Jisung, who just sits there. His body doesn’t even register the pain, he’s too busy being angry with himself.

It’s only when he feels fingers on him that he looks up. He sees Chenle, who has a neutral face, neither smiling nor scowling, as he takes Jisung’s bloody fist and wipes the blood away with an antiseptic tissue. It stings the tiniest bit. But the pain of having Chenle look after him because of his stupidity hurts more.

“You don’t have to do this.” Jisung looks at his face, Chenle doesn’t answer and continues to wipe away the blood. Jisung attempts to pull his hand away but Chenle just grabs it back harder, his grip tightening, almost painfully. “Lele-“

“Let me do it Sungie.” With that, Jisung stays quiet. They sit there wordlessly as Chenle carefully cleans him up, delicately wrapping the bandages around his fist and legs, testing if they are tight enough to hold on but loose enough to leave Jisung mobile. “Stay there.” Chenle walks out of the room momentarily, coming back with two ice creams.

“What’s this?”

“Just eat it.”

They sit there, quietly eating their ice cream, and maybe Jisung hates himself a bit less. But Chenle hasn’t smiled at him at all today, so he hates himself even more.

He doesn’t even realise that Chenle is holding his bandaged hand, rubbing it affectionately with his thumb, over and over. He doesn’t realise that the action is what calms him down. Not the silence, or the ice cream.


	7. Just don’t blame him for it.

Scrolling through social media on his phone, as you do, Jisung is just laying about when he sees the girl that dumped Chenle. Her profile that is. Her most recent post showing her snuggling up to someone. It’s probably her new lover.

“Uh, Lele?”

“Yeah?”

“Come here...” He probably shouldn’t let Chenle see it, he’s still in the healing process, but as he turns the phone to the boy’s direction he’s surprised that Chenle smiles.

“At least she’s happy.”

“You’re okay with it? That she dumped you and already moved on?”

“I broke up with her.”

“W-what?” Jisung scrambles to sit up, all this time he thought-

“I broke up with her Sungie, not the other way around.” He doesn’t let Jisung speak and continues. “I realised that I liked someone else and didn’t want to torture her.”

“Oh.” Jisung lies back down. “That’s nice of you... I guess.”

“Yeah, I think I liked them for a long while actually, maybe even before I became her boyfriend.” He takes a breath and looks at his feet. “Maybe I was just in denial.” Jisung has never heard this before, and the two of them are supposed to be best friends.

His brain thinks that yes, his assumptions are correct in that Chenle doesn’t trust him. Did he ever? If he does trust him he would’ve told him about it a lot sooner.

It just acts as fuel to the already burning fire in the structure that is his sanity.


	8. It’s not his fault.

The boys are at the supermarket picking out groceries for the week. Jisung is currently looking at some mangoes while Chenle is looking at some tomatoes.

“Hey, we haven’t made that ramen in a while!” Chenle turns to Jisung with a bright smile on his face. Jisung tries his best to smile back.

“You wanna make it?” A vigorous nod for an answer tugs at his heartstrings, even that is cute. “Okay then.” He grabs the tomatoes from Chenle and puts them in a clear plastic bag before tying it and placing it in their trolley. They make their way to a different isle to get ramen noodles.

~

They’re back at home, attempting to make their ramen, and Jisung thinks that he put a bit too much water in the pot. Chenle is the one stirring the noodles as he chops up the tomatoes.

All too soon the water bubbles over and Jisung pushes Chenle away before the water can touch him. Instead his already injured hand gets burnt from the water and he screams in pain.

“Are you okay?” Again, Chenle rushes to help him, like the kind boy he is. Jisung just feels guilt well up in the pit of his stomach, he ruined the night for the two of them.

Just like how he ruins everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah you read all the new tags and the new rating have you? Are you okay with all of them? This fic is gonna get a bit uh... dark... honestly wasn’t thinking of having the fic go this way but I’ve already written the chapter so I guess we’re going there.


	9. It’s you that’s the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of blood and cutting.

Jisung stands in front of the bathroom mirror, topless. It’s around noon and Chenle won’t be back for a while.

Jisung had found the mirror shards from when he had broken the mirror and had saved one of them, the sharpest one, before he took the bag of shards to be disposed.

He retrieves the shard from his bedside drawer, where he had hidden it from Chenle. He carefully inspects it. He can feel it already slowly cutting his fingertips.

He puts the shard near his torso, and chisels into his skin as if he’s a stone sculpture. It hurts, but it’s his punishment. He wraps bandages around himself to cover the cut.

He then moves on to his legs, that still have bandages from the mirror incident. He removes his bandages, wincing at the pain, the cuts are still somewhat fresh.

He needs to teach himself a lesson, before he goes completely out of line. The only way he knows how to effectively stop himself is through the physical pain.

He gouges a groove so deep inside his leg that he almost feels bone.

If he does this every time he breaks one of his rules, he’ll learn. He’ll learn that being in love with that boy will only cause him harm.

He then moves on to his other leg, and then his fist, slicing cuts so deep that it’ll scar for life. But that’s okay.

It’s not like Chenle’s mere existence has already scarred him so much that he’s beyond repair.


	10. Build a glass cage to protect yourself from him or, even better, him from you.

All of the pain he has suffered is because of Chenle. The way he cuts himself and the way Chenle fills his mind every day is terrible. Yet he loves it. The consequences he faces whenever he breaks a rule are what keeps him going.

The pain doesn’t dissuade him. If anything he enjoys it. It is a substitute. The pain is his way of knowing that he would be better off never telling Chenle how he feels.

This is what it feels like. To love someone you can never attain. To love someone so frighteningly close yet at a staggering distance at the same time. It’s like there’s a glass cage around your heart. It is able to feel love but can never act on it because of the fear.

Fear that, if it lets the glass cage be taken down and reveal its vulnerability, it will be mistreated, thrown around, or worse...

Abandoned.

...

...

...

But Jisung is different.

Instead of having a glass cage around his heart, the heart is the cage, the heart itself is made of glass. It’ll slip out of your hands before you know it. Too easy to drop...

Too easy to break.


	11. You’re the one who fell for him, not the other way around. He didn’t fall for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the summary so that it fits better in-line with how the story goes.

Jisung is carrying a blackout drunk Chenle to their apartment. It was a Saturday night and they decided “screw it” and went out for drinks. He barely makes it through the door and settles for the two of them on the couch for the night. He carefully places Chenle on the couch, as if he’s precious cargo. Well, to Jisung he’s precious cargo. Precious cargo that he can’t claim as his own.

Jisung slightly pushes him so that his back is flush with the couch and squeezes beside him. He may have a seventy percent chance of falling off of the couch during the night but that’s fine. He pulls the blanket, previously draped over the back of the couch, over them and closes his eyes, ready to fall asleep.

He feels Chenle shift slightly, feeling their legs tangle. It hurts as Chenle’s legs touch his wounds. He opens an eye to check, but Chenle’s eyes aren’t open, he concludes that Chenle just moved in his sleep.

Maybe it’s because they’re severely drunk, but before he falls asleep entangled to Chenle on the couch, Jisung swears that he feels lips press gingerly on his own.


	12. Sacrifice your happiness for him,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of cutting and self harm.

“Lele!” Jisung shouts from their apartment door. “We’re gonna be late! The lines have probably started by now!”

“I’m coming Sungie!!” Chenle shouts from his room. They’re going to the amusement park today. They’re going to have fun.

Jisung suggested this because it became unbearable to even talk to Chenle now. Lately Chenle has stuck around him more, barely leaving the apartment. Thus it became harder to stick to the rules and harder to give himself punishment for it. The overwhelming thought that Chenle is now single just consumes him. He hopes that Chenle will just be distracted by everything in the amusement park instead of talking to him.

“I’m ready!” Chenle appears beside him, and he wraps his arms around his, the one with the injured fist, now with new bandages. He rubs his hand over it lovingly. “Does it still hurt?”

“No it doesn’t, it’s okay!” It does, it’s not okay. But he doesn’t want to worry Chenle any further than he already has. He also wants Chenle to let go of his arm, but he doesn’t. He just continues to pet it, as if it will soothe the pain in his hand, and the rest of his body. Including his heart. Maybe he’ll let go when they’re at the park.

He doesn’t let go when they’re at the park, not even in the long waiting lines. Of which there are many.

So when they come home Jisung renews the cuts all over his body and gives himself the hottest bath he can run. He wallows in the slightly pink water. He still has a lot to learn.


	13. because you’re selfish and don’t deserve it for yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick mention of self harm. I also added another paragraph to the summary.

He was drunk again. He was taking shots, not caring what was in them as long as it was alcohol. He was in a bar away from home. Chenle wasn’t with him. He felt free from the pain, the torture, even for just a second. For a split second he thought about his situation. Maybe he should just cut all connection with him. But then the reeling pain in his heart told him otherwise.

He’s had about fifteen or so shots, maybe even a beer or two. He didn’t care about what would happen in the morning, he just wanted to forget. Forget about everything. Life, himself, and Chenle. Especially Chenle. The boy had caused him so much grief. He made him want to curl up and die. He couldn’t just suffer like this, he needed to do something but he didn’t know what.

Speaking of said boy, he was now beside him, completely sober.

“Sungie,” The boy held his arm gently, it hurt a lot, he had just given himself more splits in his skin. “let’s go home.” Chenle managed to get Jisung off of the bar seat and they made it halfway onto the dance floor before Jisung lost command of his legs, making them stop as Chenle checked if he was okay. Jisung just grabbed the boy’s face and pushed it closer to him.

He gave him a fervent kiss, one that he had wanted all this time. He wrapped his arms around the boy, and became pliant when Chenle took control.

He had felt Chenle start to kiss him back hungrily before he blacked out.

~

Jisung wakes up. He has the most killer headache. He doesn’t remember anything other than the kiss with Chenle. He doesn’t remember the reaction but when he goes to the kitchenette to make breakfast and finds him there Chenle acts like last night didn’t happen.

So Jisung does the only thing he can think of. He asks Chenle to get groceries by himself, making his hangover his excuse. Then once the boy is gone he proceeds to reopen his wounds and bathes his arms in boiling water.

He relishes in the pain, he deserves this anyway. He broke the boundaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only have the next chapter to write before I have this fic done! The last three chapters have already been written and are saved as drafts, should I post them all at the same time? That’d be chaotic of me wouldn’t it haha I think I’ll space them out just to torture you! ;)


	14. In the end it’s his happiness that matters,

He’s staring at Chenle’s sleeping form right now. He’s managed to get this far, he might as well go all the way. The only thing that could stop him is his, now constant, “punishments” that don’t even work anymore. But he does them anyway. He likes damaging himself. If it’s for Chenle he’ll do whatever he can, because he loves him.

First he sits on the bed, taking in the look of Chenle as he sleeps face down, during the night the bedsheets have messed up and Chenle sleeps as if he’s a free-faller, falling from the sky, like an angel. It’s adorable to look at.

Jisung slowly lays down beside Chenle, not touching him yet. He observes him further. Drowning in the feeling of guilt, knowing that he’s going to break the boundary rule again.

He does it anyway, he shuffles closer to Chenle, draping his arms over him. He quietly whimpers in the stinging pain. He caresses Chenle, every part of him. The Jisung in the past, before all of this, would’ve thought this as disgusting but the Jisung now couldn’t care less about it. He just wants Chenle. All of him.

Jisung falls asleep to the soft breathing of his best friend, and Chenle unlocks Jisung’s arms around him carefully to get up.


	15. not yours...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of blood and gore I guess.

“What are you doing?” It’s four in the morning, and Jisung just caught Chenle with a suitcase, about to leave the apartment.

“I... I have to go back.”

“Oh... for how long?”

“Uhhh... I think I’ll have to be there for a while...”

“... Ah.”

“Look, Sungie.” Chenle drops his luggage and holds his shoulders, making them look at each other in the eyes. “Thank you for helping me through this, all of it.” Chenle smiles sadly. “I’m so grateful I met you and I don’t think I would’ve been able to go through this without you.” Lies. It’s all lies. He would’ve been absolutely fine. He would’ve just found someone else.

“It’s no problem Lele but... why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you...” Now that is what makes Jisung’s blood boil.

“You really think that leaving me here in the middle of the night would hurt me less than just telling me?” Jisung spits out.

“I didn’t know what I was thinking Sungie...”  Chenle inches closer to him and he feels skin on his cheek, the brushing of Chenle’s palm as he fixes his hair. The other hand goes to hold his hand and he winces. Chenle takes a full step back. He grabs Jisung’s hand again and he can’t help but let out a yelp.

Chenle makes quick work of unravelling the bandage and inspects the deep cut in his hand. Chenle goes down to his bandaged legs, only just seeing how there’s big splotches of blood painting them. Slowly, he unravels them too, revealing the cavernous gouges in his legs. Jisung hears him gasp.

“It’s only a scratch.”

“O-only?” Chenle scoffs. “Jisung. What the fuck is this?” He’s afraid. Chenle never drops the nickname. He hasn’t heard him call him by his actual name in ages.

“I- I don’t know...” That’s all he can give him. It’s pathetic, he knows.

“Is there more?” Chenle asks weakly and Jisung can only turn his head away in embarrassment. “THERE’S MORE ISN’T THERE!?” Chenle cries out, he turns around, covering his eyes for a second before turning back around and opening them again. He’s preparing himself for the worst.

Slowly, painfully, Jisung lifts his sleeves, revealing even more bandages. They are then slowly unwound to uncover tens, if not hundreds of shallow cuts all around his forearms, biceps, everywhere.

Jisung can’t even begin to look at Chenle’s reaction. He closes his eyes in tremendous fear. All he hears is silence. He feels Chenle ghosting his fingers up his arms. Then the sudden motion of him pulling up his shirt.

The cool air greets him and it stings, he hisses and pulls away but Chenle has already seen it. Not the wound, but the enormous stain that the bandages couldn’t contain.

“J-Jisung...” Chenle puts a hand over his mouth in horror. It makes him want to suffocate. “Why did you do it?”

“I... I can’t tell you.”

“How long... how long have you been doing it?” Jisung doesn’t really know that either. “Jisung... there’s something wrong with you, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I... I...” Jisung starts to tremble. He steps back, looks at his hands that are shaking in front of him and can’t give an answer.

So instead Chenle takes Jisung’s constant silence as the answer, he walks out, tears forming in his eyes, leaving Jisung behind in his ocean of shame. He’s paralysed. His eyes shift around and he blinks once or twice before he sees his own tears cloud his vision and feels them flood down his cheeks. He then shakes even more and has to lean on the door frame before sliding down it, his body hitting the floor as he sobs loudly, not caring who sees or hears him.

Because he broke one of his important rules, maybe his most important one: 

Never hurt Chenle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll leave it at this for tonight/today.


	16. even if it was his happiness too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning. I hope you are well.

Whilst boarding the plane, Chenle’s head is swimming with thoughts, the sky at dawn looks so clear, how he wishes he could wipe his mind just to have it be as empty.

Instead he sits in the window seat, looking over Korea as the plane makes it’s ascent upwards into the sky. His mind is full of Jisung. How Jisung cared for him through the break up that he initiated. How Jisung was always there for him in the six years they knew each other. How he knew he fell in love with Jisung because of all this.

The way he had treated him after the break up just made his love for him even stronger and he was so sure... so sure that he could find a happy ending with Jisung. So sure that they would be happy together.

But no. He’s on a plane to China now, his home country, and will never speak to Jisung again. He’ll change his phone number, wipe everything away from social media, and start anew. He has enough to just disappear off the face of the earth.

He hates it. Hates that he was denying himself the truth all these years. Hates that, deep inside, he knew that he loved Jisung all these years. That Jisung would be his first, last, and only love. It had never wavered all these years. Not even at the last moment when he saw Jisung in his bloodied state. He only got a girlfriend to distract him from Jisung but he had asked Jisung to be his roommate, it was out of place, but he needed to be beside him, high school had only made him cling to the boy. It was his biggest mistake.

He hates himself for ruining him. Tearing Jisung apart as if he were some piece of paper. He wants to tear himself up inside, the face that Jisung made as he left him standing idle at the apartment is all he could see. He could hear Jisung’s loud sobs ringing in his ears as well.

Chenle despises himself because he knows he broke both of their hearts.

He leans his head on the window and quietly sobs, he’ll have to actually try and get over someone for real now, with no Jisung to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that I'll torture you by releasing the last chapter after a certain threshold is made. What it is I won't tell you. I'm laughing because I already had the last chapter drafted for like two days and I just keep adding to it. I'm really proud of it though.


	17. Give him time. Give him your everything. It'll be fine. Trust me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was no goal. I just wanted to see how far I could push. I spoiled you way too much, didn’t I? Sixteen chapters in about four days... But basically what I've learned is that my patience is pretty much non-existent.
> 
> Also. Blood. A lot of it. I've kept adding to it so it's quite lengthy. Perfect for an ending I suppose.

Chenle uses the spare key he had kept all these years to open the apartment door.

No matter how hard he tried, he never stopped thinking about Jisung. He had considered coming back to check up on him before now. It just took a lot of courage to do so. A tremendous amount.

Because he couldn’t stop blaming himself for everything. He felt like he didn’t deserve to see Jisung again. Even if he did, does he want to? Yes. Yes he does.

But does Jisung want to see him again?

It’s been about three and a half years. He lasted that long. But Jisung had never left his mind. But maybe Jisung isn’t even alive anymore. Not with the way he had left him. Not with the way he had destroyed him.

"Jisung?" He walks into the apartment and it still kind of looks the same, maybe a bit messier. There’s a smell that lingers but he can’t quite put his finger on what it is. He walks to Jisung’s room and opens the door, there is no Jisung present. In fact, the room looks like it hasn’t been lived in at all since he left. Worry starts to creep up his neck.

Yes, he still cares about him. Even after what Jisung had done to himself.

He looks around the apartment searching for him. The lights are still on so he must still be alive. Then he thinks of his own room. He runs towards it. Desperate for the answer. Please let him be alive. He just wants to see Jisung again. Just one last time.

As he opens his bedroom door he is hit in the face with the smell from earlier, except more pungent. It’s blood. Lying on his bed face down is Jisung. Undressed and in the disaster that is his own blood and bandages. Everything is just red. All of it. _Red._ All he can see? All he can feel? All he can think?

** Red. **

The floor, the walls, even the ceiling, it’s completely covered. He can even feel it dripping onto his shoulders. He can’t escape it. Can’t escape the result of what he did.

He doesn’t want to believe it.

“Sungie? Sungie." Chenle is immediately by the boy’s side, shaking him, blood getting on his hands. "No!" Tears are already streaming down his cheeks and falling onto the bedsheets, already soaked with the copious amount of leaking liquid from Jisung’s shattered body. "No... please...”

He turns Jisung onto his back, and checks if he’s breathing. As he stares down his extremely bloody torso, he can see the big wound that was from three years ago. Only it's gotten bigger. There’s a big piece of something in it. Chenle recognises it as a piece of sheet metal. Jisung's chest rises up and down just slightly, he’s barely breathing.

He cups Jisung’s face with his hands and touches Jisung’s ruby forehead with his own. He’s still crying. Still sobbing from the red sight. Still quaking from Jisung’s state. In a haze, he kisses him. It’s something that he has wanted to do for years, and this may be the first and last time he’ll ever touch Jisung like this. Touch him so lovingly, without the repercussions.

He didn’t want it to be like this. He would have never wished for it. But he’ll take anything he can have. He’s already too far gone. Too far into this chaos.

He’s shocked when he hears a groan underneath him and he pulls away to see Jisung open his eyes... but there's nothing in them, he can see them moving but there is no light, no life.

He can’t respond before Jisung drags his arm up and slithers it around Chenle’s neck, forcing their heads closer together in a kiss full of greed. Chenle tastes metal in his mouth but he lets him have it, heck, he wants it. He needs it. He lives for it. Jisung is all that’s necessary for him now.

Surprisingly, Jisung tugs Chenle’s arms so the boy is thrown to be on the bed by his side. Chenle can’t understand how he has that strength. Jisung gets on top and wraps his entire body around Chenle, the crimson liquid sticking them together like glue. Chenle doesn’t mind. He doesn’t even register something piercing his stomach.

In this moment, everything is just about him and Jisung. Nothing else will ever be important again. At least, not enough for it to matter more than this. More than Jisung.

Everywhere he touches, Jisung is left on him. Jisung’s blood is left on him. He doesn’t care. He’s perfectly okay with it. He’ll bathe himself in it if he has to. He wants Jisung all over him. Jisung is what consumes him now.

He lazily cards his hand through the boy’s hair, it was previously pinkish brown but the ends have been stained with blood giving it a blotchy gradient. It’s sticky. He still doesn’t care. Jisung gives him another kiss, this time more chaste, he giggles from it. He wants more. He wants them to become one. In any form. No matter what it takes.

“I’ve waited... so long...” Jisung admits weakly, voice cracking. He's crumbling. “I’m... glad... you came back...” Chenle can’t even begin to say anything but Jisung cups his hand over his cheek, smearing the red paint all over it, as you do, trying to wipe the tears away. “It’s alright... it’s alright... but I’m tired...” Jisung voices faintly, Chenle continues to comb his fingers through the stained hair. His scarlet hands stain it further.

He treats Jisung delicately, as if he is a doll. A porcelain doll that he doesn’t want to break, but he knows it’s already broken. Defective. Useless. Worthless.

But he’ll still cherish it. Cherish his crushed doll until he dies. Like it is the perfect gift. Until he is no more. Until he becomes the dust in the wind. Until the two of them disintegrate right where they are, the parts left of them mixing.

Together, right until the end.

“It’s okay Sungie... go to sleep now, it’s okay...” Chenle coos and reassures him, having found his voice again. But it’s quickly fading just as fast as it had come. Jisung sighs pleasantly and rests his head in the crook of Chenle’s neck, breathing in the last of his scent, relaxing in it. Jisung sleepily breathes out an “I love you” that Chenle whispers back with no hesitation, because he knows he'll never have another chance.

Jisung’s grip around Chenle loosens as he falls asleep. Connected to his love at last. Chenle gives a simple weak peck on Jisung’s temple, his broken but wonderful lover, before his own vision fades into nothing but a dark void.

~

They now lie there, in the forever sangria coloured room. They are stuck, entangled, in each other's desperate hold, for all eternity.

In the rotten mess of their love that only the two of them would have found beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment on what you think. I’ll miss writing chapters for this work. I think this is one of my best works yet. I probably shouldn't say that. Having Jisung and Chenle break each other apart was fun.


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